CAP’N CRUNCH SPARROW! AND LESSER GOOD IDEAS…

Everything is fair game to become a major studio motion picture. Witness the making of the movie version of the Milton Bradley game “Battleship” which is coming to a theater near you in May 2012.


This doesn’t surprise me. We’ve seen (or at least heard about) movies based on toys such as G.I. Joe, based on cartoons such as Scooby Doo, and based on old television series such as Bewitched. To get a movie made, it seems to me, you need to own the rights to a product line with a built-in audience. Of course old TV shows and toys and even comic books fit this pattern nicely. But I think I’ve identified one area they have (at least thus far) ignored: breakfast cereals. Talk about a built-in audience with mega-product name recognition!

Yes, I want to send this as an open letter to the board of directors at General Mills: you are missing a gold mine! I, Michael James Kacey, am hereby offering my services to you to pitch movie versions of your breakfast cereals. Now, if Marvel Comics can have their own movie production studio, so can you! Hear me out! Picture this–!


General Mills Entertainment Presents…


Michael Bay’s “Frankenberry vs. Count Chocula!” It’s fast-paced, loud and largely senseless BUT it is from Michael Bay. The marketing department will eat this up! (Pun intended.)


A remake of “Night Shift” starring the Trix Rabbit in the Michael Keaton role. We’ll call it “Turning Trix,” of course. An R-rated comedy with a heart.


Cap’n Crunch Sparrow” a bold new take on the sea-faring adventures of a wildly unpredictable captain whose relationship with his first mate, Toucan Sam, pushes the boundaries of contemporary cinema.


Jack Nicholson replaces Chuck McCann as the voice of Sonny for “One Flew Over the Coco-Puffs Nest.” Can R.P. McSonny and the catatonic Sugar Bear survive in this institution? Serious award contender, I think.


Since 3-D is the rage I propose a re-imagining of the Rice Crispies elves in the horror genre: “Satan’s Rice Crispies” with the tagline “Watch your friends go Snap! Crackle! Pop! In 3-D!”


A lighthearted comedy about a well-endowed Leprechaun called “Me Lucky Charms.” Obvious tagline: “Yes, they’re magically delicious.”


And finally, “Wheaties: A Bromance” reuniting Seth Rogen and James Franco yet again. If the budget does not allow for this I recommend replacing them with Harold and Kumar. Anyway, it’s another movie about men bonding along with an abundance of bodily function jokes with brief (and vaguely uncomfortable) male nudity. Jason Segal should not be cast in this movie, as he is way too comfortable being nude.


Trust me! This is the next logical step in movie commerce! Don’t miss this opportunity, General Mills. Call me. Let’s do lunch… er, I mean… breakfast.


I’m just saying…